Third Sider Strategies for defusing a charged encounter with a neighbor

Submitted by Marilyn Guy

 

In the November 2013 community meeting an activity was led where partners role played a situation in which one neighbor was very charged

about a ‘disturbance’. The other partner/neighbor was given the instruction to defuse the situation in order to take next steps to resolve the issue. The following notes were taken and offered here to all Nylanders to expand our options in similar situations.

 

These kinds of activities are being offered by the Third Siders (a sub-group of Well-Being) to support Nylanders in following our Conflict

Resolution Agreements.

 

Notes on strategies shared by participants:

View conflict as ‘unfolding’ rather than ‘solution’

Experience conflict as an opportunity for

connection

 

LISTENING

• Use conscious listening and express what you heard

• Listen to each other, Active listening “feeling heard”, inquiry for self-responsibility

• Hearing the other does not mean I have to solve it

 

ACKNOWLEDGE the issue, the feelings, difficult emotions, the charge, the anger, limits of personal resources

 

BOUNDARIES

• Set a boundary, a more neutral time to take on the issue

• Clear boundaries

• Clarify “tolerance” re: individual, community, preferences

• Consider another time to meet

• Establish boundaries for the type of communication to use

 

RELATIONSHIP

• One person shifting the charge can help to resolve

• Focus on relationship

• Inquiry and curiosity about the issue builds relationship

 

PERSONAL

• Draw on previous experiences of resolution

• Awareness of inner experience, connection

• Draw on your own natural tools, resources

• Express vulnerability

• Self-awareness if e-mail connections are used

• Anger can be an effective boundary, an honest expression if it doesn’t interfere with the relationship

• Find ways to stay engaged, not avoiding if future time is used

• Follow-through, confirm shared understanding

• Use community resources even if resolution is not apparent

 

Third Siders thank you for reading this article. We hope it will assist you in navigating your relationships at Nyland and take advantage of the opportunity that differences can offer.